Suka Duka Menjadi Penulis

Setiap tahun, saya selalu menulis resolusi tahunan, membuat sedikit kilas balik dan bersiap menyongsong tahun depan. Bukan introspeksi serius, memang, dan kadang kala, saya akui resolusi yang saya buat tidak selalu terlaksana seluruhnya. Dan akhir-akhir ini, saya justru mengabaikan resolusi, dan hanya fokus pada hal-hal yang saya antisipasi di masa depan.

Tahun ini, saya tidak akan membuat resolusi muluk-muluk. Sebaliknya, saya akan menapak balik pada gundukan masa lalu yang menciptakan jalan menuju masa kini. Ini terinspirasi oleh sebuah pesan singkat yang masuk dalam inbox Facebook saya semalam, dari seorang pembaca di Bali, yang bertanya apa suka duka saya sebagai seorang penulis selama ini.

Jujur, pertanyaan itu awalnya tidak terlalu saya renungkan, karena menjawab suka dan duka selama perjalanan ini tidak dapat dirangkum dengan mudah. Namun kemudian, saya kembali berpikir tentang awal saya menulis. Rupanya, saya telah mulai aktif menulis sejak 2007, dan tahun ini merupakan tahun ketujuh saya meminjam istilah 'penulis' dalam resume hidup saya.

Saya bukan seorang penulis full time. Sebelum menjadi penulis, saya memiliki banyak peran lain - seorang anak, seorang karyawan penuh waktu, seorang jurnalis paruh waktu, seorang wirausahawati. Tahun lalu, saya mengambil peran seorang istri, dan tahun depan, seorang ibu. Saya juga sempat menjajali proofreading, dan banyak peran-peran kecil lain di luar penulis. Tapi, entah kenapa menjelma menjadi penulis adalah salah satu hal yang paling mendarahdaging dalam perjalanan karir profesional saya sejauh ini. Ya, meskipun tidak menulis sepanjang hari. Meskipun dalam setahun kadang saya tidak menelurkan karya. Walau blog ini bisa saja kosong selama sebulan penuh.

Suka duka menulis, tentu banyak. Entah bagaimana saya harus mendeskripsikan rasa, karena rasa itu rumit dan subjektif. Yang saya tahu, saya menyukai perasaan pada kala kata-kata bagaikan muncul begitu saja lewat tarian jemari pada keyboard laptop. Saya menyukai bagaimana karakter-karakter saya dengan sabar menuntun saya menuju cerita mereka, masuk ke dalamnya dan bermain di sana, sampai saatnya saya pergi. Saya menyukai rasa lega sekaligus puas yang menyusup begitu hari berakhir dengan beberapa ribu kata terketik rapi dalam file di komputer. Dan ketika naskah berubah menjadi buku, ketika kerjasama dengan editor, penata layout, pembuat kover dan proofreader menghasilkan sesuatu yang fisik dan dapat dibaca oleh orang lain, rasa itu menjadi lebih sulit untuk diterjemahkan. Pada saat-saat seperti ini, kebahagiaan yang dirasakan rasanya lebih besar dari harta materi yang bersanding dengan keberhasilan sebuah buku.

Duka - tentu saja setiap penulis memiliki porsinya akan duka, begitu pula dengan saya. Duka sederhana seperti membaca resensi buruk dari seorang pembaca yang tidak menyukai karya saya, misalnya, meskipun dalam tahun-tahun ini, saya telah belajar bahwa karya dan selera adalah subjektif - either you like it or you don't, and either way it's alright. Surat-surat penolakan naskah yang saya kumpulkan dalam folder khusus. Berbagai kesalahpahaman dari orang-orang yang belum mengerti bahwa sebuah karya membutuhkan kerjasama dari berbagai pihak. Buku-buku yang flop di pasaran dan menghilang begitu saja.

Namun, duka-duka itu rasanya kecil jika dibandingkan dengan perasaan kosong saat berhadapan dengan kursor yang berkedip dan tak bergerak di layar komputer. Bulan-bulan tanpa inspirasi, sedangkan adrenalin untuk menulis sudah terpacu. Keinginan menulis yang tak terpenuhi karena waktu yang terbatas, atau ide yang tak kunjung datang. Bagi saya, duka terbesar sebagai seorang penulis adalah ketidakmampuan untuk menulis.

Di luar itu semua, dengan pertimbangan pro dan kontra dalam menulis, jika harus memilih, apakah saya akan membuat pilihan yang sama? Ya, without a second thought. Walaupun menulis mungkin memakan setiap detik yang tersisa dalam jatah istirahat saya, meskipun menulis mungkin membuat saya begitu lelah saat selesai melakukannya dan tanpa sadar telah menghabiskan sepanjang malam... I'd pick being a writer every day of my life.

Dan itulah resolusi saya tahun depan. Dan saya harap, untuk tahun-tahun selanjutnya juga.

A Highly Suggestible Mind

Lately I was made aware that the mind, also everything else, was highly suggestible. Not only that; it perhaps referenced to the fact that everything else was truly connected and affected by one another - this invisible law of the universe that I paid no close heed to until I did.

A few weeks ago I put some dried octopus inside an airtight container full of freshly dried peanuts. The nuts were very dry and crispy, and in contrast the octopus was a little wet, slightly exposed to air for quite some time. When I opened it a week later to eat the octopus, to my surprise it was so crispy I hardly believed it. The same thing happened to a few rice crispies I put inside a box of braised chicken. When I opened the box the crispies were shrivelled next to nothing.

That made me realize that the environment pretty much affected the minor population so that it conformed to the majority. Had the crispies doubled the amount of the chicken, or the octopus was more than the peanuts, the opposite would have happened - the minority would follow the exact condition of the majority.

Not everything could be defined this way, of course. But then it made me think - is everything really that easily suggestible, therefore manipulated?

As with the mind that affects the physical body and often vice versa, as a child's environment helps shape the way he or she grow up, every word and every thing that we've gone through pretty much affects the way we are. Memories, experiences, thoughts, incidents - all of these also shape us into what we're becoming, some unconsciously, some we let happen, and some we build a wall against so they don't get through (but in some ways I believe they do).

A few days ago I was talking to a professional in her area of expertise and she talked me down in a way that I thought was not very respectful. Everyone around me was saying how I should have been angrier than I was, and a highly suggestible mind like mine at that moment was swayed, even though in the end I chose a stand against it. Again, the fact made me think that we could choose to conform or not to, but then the environment around us will affect us to the extent that we allow it to.

Just musings I never really thought about and put into words now. Not sure if it makes sense now that I'm writing about it, but hey :-) a mind is indeed suggestible!

Mo (bagian 2)

Hari itu, kami pergi ke tempat selain kedai buku tua di pinggir jalan.

Hari itu, kami kehujanan.

Mo menyambar tanganku yang terbungkus jaket hitam – jaket lusuh almamaterku, lalu menarikku mengikuti langkahnya yang tergesa. “Cepat!” desisnya, dan sambil menangkupi kepala dengan kedua tangan, kami berdua berlari mencari tempat berteduh.

Padahal, kami bisa saja memasuki kedai buku tua, yang hanya beberapa langkah menuju arah yang berlawanan. Padahal, kami bisa saja berdiri menunggu hujan reda dari balik genting warung yang separuh kosong di tikungan jalan.

Tetapi, Mo membawaku menuju halte bus, dan ketika menemukan satu bus yang kebetulan lewat, tanpa banyak omong ia mengajakku masuk. Kami berdua berdesakan menuju dua kursi kosong di belakang, dan sambil mengibaskan pakaian serta tas yang basah, dia menoleh ke arahku dan tersenyum lebar.

“Kita mau ke mana?”

Dia mengangkat bahu. Ternyata, dia juga tak sempat melihat jurusan yang tertulis di punggung bus. “Bukankah ada sesuatu yang menyenangkan dari bepergian tanpa tahu harus ke mana?”

Antusiasmenya mau tak mau menular padaku, membuat pundakku rileks. Aku menyandarkan badan pada kursi. “Yaah... aku hanya nggak suka perasaan tersesat.” Tersesat di jalan saat sedang mengantar dokumen penting untuk klien, nyasar saat mencari alamat teman lama yang mendadak ingin mengembalikan barang, perasaan kacau yang timbul kala kebingungan. Tersesat dalam hidup adalah pengalaman yang serupa.

“Setiap petualangan hebat dimulai dari tersesat, lho,” sambungnya riang. Dia menawarkan selembar tisu yang sudah hampir seluruhnya basah, namun aku menerimanya tanpa banyak komentar. “Aku menemukan toko buku kita pun karena tersesat.”

Toko buku kita. Aneh, untuk dua orang yang hampir tak saling mengenal, tak berbagi apa pun kecuali sebuah tempat kecil di tepi jalan. Tapi aku menyukai penggunaan kata kita dalam kalimatnya. Rasanya seperti mempunyai rahasia.

“Oh, ya?”

Dia mengangguk. “Aku salah menaiki bus. Dibawa keliling Jakarta. Uang kecilku habis untuk pengamen yang tak henti-hentinya menyanyikan lagu kesukaanku.” Dia terkekeh. “Dan aku berhenti di pinggir jalan itu, nggak sengaja tertarik dengan buku-buku yang dipajang di depan toko. Buku pertama yang kubeli di sana adalah The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. Judulnya aneh, untuk buku yang aneh juga.”

Semua ini aneh, aku ingin menambahkan.

“Mo?”

“Ya?” Dia menjawab tanpa menoleh, asyik menatap guliran gerimis di permukaan kaca jendela yang kotor.

“Kamu pernah merasa sedih?” Sedih yang benar-benar sedih, seperti ditonjok dan kaurasakan pukulan itu sampai ke ulu hati. Rasa yang tak kunjung punah, berlama-lama sampai kau terbiasa hidup dengan pahit itu.

Dia malah tertawa, mengkontradiksi jawabannya sendiri. “Tentu saja pernah.”

“Benar?”

Seseorang pernah berkata padaku, ia membenci orang-orang yang selalu tampak bahagia. Orang-orang yang selalu berkata, semuanya akan baik-baik saja! Jangan khawatir! Teruslah berharap! Menurutnya, orang-orang itu hipokrit. Mengapa harus tertawa saat merasakan sakit? Mengapa tidak melengos, membuang muka, memasang tampang kesal, seperti seharusnya?

Saat itu, aku tak punya jawabannya.

Tapi Mo punya.

Dia kini termenung, memainkan ujung jemarinya pada kiasan embun, membentuk uliran yang tak kupahami. Lama dia melakukannya, sampai bus tiba-tiba berhenti dan sopirnya memaki dengan kata-kata kotor.

“Sedih itu ya, sama saja seperti perasaan yang lain. Lama atau tidaknya ia tinggal, tergantung pilihan kita.”

Aku menoleh, menatapnya yang kini sibuk mendekap tas di pangkuannya erat-erat dengan pandangan menerawang.

“Sedih buat setiap orang juga beda-beda, iya kan? Sedih versiku adalah menenggelamkan diri dalam film komedi demi film komedi, bukannya tertawa malah tersedu-sedu. Makan mi instan berhari-hari, hidup dalam timbunan sampah karena terlalu malas untuk bergerak. Tapi lalu ada jenis-jenis sedih yang lain. Jenis sedih yang muncul saat melewati padang bunga matahari, begitu indahnya sampai terharu, tapi ada sebersit sedih di balik bahagia itu. Melihat pelangi pertama sehabis hujan berkepanjangan di bulan Desember, tapi berharap dapat berbaginya dengan seseorang yang tidak ada di sana. Tertidur nyenyak setelah seharian bekerja keras, tapi terbangun dan merasa ada sesuatu yang hilang. Begitu setiap hari, kebahagiaan yang bercampur dengan rasa itu, apa pun yang kauperbuat.”

Aku termenung, memikirkan jawabannya. Mungkin aku salah. Mungkin dia mengerti – hanya saja, jenis kesedihan yang lain.

“Kamu sendiri, pasti punya kesedihanmu sendiri, bukan?” Dia bertanya dengan kerlingan penuh pengertian dalam binar matanya.

Untuk sesaat, yang dapat kulakukan hanya menatapnya, hati-hati agar wajahku tak menampakkan emosi apa pun, namun kutahu usaha itu gagal tanpa ampun. Mo sepertinya dapat memahami setiap pikiran yang terbersit, karena senyumnya memudar, dan di dalam bus itu, di dua tempat duduk di sudut, di tengah hujan dan pikiran kami sendiri, dia menyentuh tanganku.

Sejurus kemudian, mendadak bus berhenti dan kenek meneriakkan nama perhentian terakhir, dan momen itu lepas begitu saja.

**

(book) Tell the Wolves I'm Home by Carol Rifka Brunt

Synopsis:

In this striking literary debut, Carol Rifka Brunt unfolds a moving story of love, grief, and renewal as two lonely people become the unlikeliest of friends and find that sometimes you don't know you've lost someone until you've found them.

1987. There's only one person who has ever truly understood fourteen-year-old June Elbus, and that's her uncle, the renowned painter Finn Weiss. Shy at school and distant from her older sister, June can only be herself in Finn's company; he is her godfather, confidant, and best friend. So when he dies, far too young, of a mysterious illness her mother can barely speak about, June's world is turned upside down. But Finn's death brings a surprise acquaintance into June's life--someone who will help her to heal, and to question what she thinks she knows about Finn, her family, and even her own heart.

At Finn's funeral, June notices a strange man lingering just beyond the crowd. A few days later, she receives a package in the mail. Inside is a beautiful teapot she recognizes from Finn's apartment, and a note from Toby, the stranger, asking for an opportunity to meet. As the two begin to spend time together, June realizes she's not the only one who misses Finn, and if she can bring herself to trust this unexpected friend, he just might be the one she needs the most. 

An emotionally charged coming-of-age novel, "Tell the Wolves I'm Home" is a tender story of love lost and found, an unforgettable portrait of the way compassion can make us whole again.

Review:

I haven't had the pleasure of reading a book that's this emotional and raw for such a long time. After the pages closed, all I wanted to do was bask in silence and let the tears flow. It was expected that I'd encounter a sad story about death, what I did not expect was how much I'd love the story, and how heartbreaking it all was.

I love all the characters. I like being in June's shoes, seeing everything through her eyes, feel the raw emotions she does, and loves as much as she does. I get to know Finn through her understanding, grow fond of Toby just as she does, and never feels like I know more than she does, just flowing in her pace. I like that the feelings are all honestly told - the good, the bad, even those demons within our hearts that we often hide away just so people won't know how horrible we can be.

Even though some characters - Greta, Danni, are at first exasperating, I'm glad I get to know their stories, and that they react in a humane way, and that makes me understand.

There are pages that make me teary-eyed or smile, because they're that kind of stories; the wonderful, the bittersweet, a story about love in the purest sense of wanting the other to be happy, a story about family, getting lost, getting found, and the discoveries along the way. It's about secrets, but it's also about setting them free. It's about acceptance and friendship and memories and art and finding ourselves.

I love everything about this book. It can get slow and choppy at times but I accept that as how the author wanted to construct this book, and possibly how her style really is. It's definitely a beautiful debut, and I look forward to more of Carol Rifka Brunt's books.

Five stars out of five.

Commercial vs High Fashion

The countless hours spent watching rerun after rerun of modelling reality programs such as America's Next Top Model, the Face and Supermodel Me means I get to not only distinguish between a good makeover and a bad one, the importance of a portfolio, the need for your eyes to communicate as well as the flow and connection of your whole body and face, and also the difference between a commercial and a high fashion model.

In the programs, girls are always quickly divided and labeled into 'commercial models', whose looks are common and conventionally beautiful enough to book jobs for commercial advertisements and magazines, and those who fall into the category of 'high fashion models', who have a striking look and certain quirkiness to themselves that attribute them to high-end fashion magazines such as Vogue. The latter are the models that walk through the runways of high-end brands, those whose looks are unforgettable and have the traits of a future supermodel. You will see commercial models on buses, when you flip through a teen magazine, or have them featured in a beauty how-to editorial segment online. They will model clothes for your local mall, clad in the brands they represent - be it jeans, daily cosmetics, anti-acne products.

But the high fashion models are the ones you will remember. They will pose in unnatural angles and have their make up done in such a way that screams unconventional, but everyone of great power in the fashion industry will love it. They will strut down Fashion Week runways in see-through couture dresses, wearing nude make ups or looking as though they've just stepped out of bed, but so, so gorgeous. They are the faces you will see and think inwardly, oh, she's not that pretty, but there's something about her...

I've begun to think that this applies to writing as well.

There are the so-called commercial writers, and high fashion writers. The former can easily have bestsellers in modest to good quantities, publish more books than we think possible, and attend seminars, be in public workshops or talk-show, and have their faces in the interview segments of most magazines. Their success is wow-inducing, based on the amount of books in a specific genre that resonates with its target readers, and might even have a cult following who won't miss a single book once it hits the shelves. Their books have hits and lows - some are great to cuddle in bed with or you can't take your eyes off it during a holiday break, some are snoozers that you only read because you used to like the author.

Then there's another type of writer entirely. The literary prize winner. The one whose debut shoots up straight to the bestselling charts, where it stays for weeks, possibly months. The writing style is genius. The idea is mind-blowing. Awards after awards swoop in and carry the author's name to become a household name. Every home must have that book on their shelves. Movie producers are making deals one after another for that book, along with a string of equally famous actors to represent the adaptations. The author that makes you think, she definitely writes flawlessly, as if it took her no effort at all, though we all know it's not true... but I'm just so in awe! (and so jealous).

Deep down, I do think that is true.

I also believe that while 'high fashion' writers are born out of sheer talent (as well as hard work), it takes a genius and a rare gem of a talent to achieve that. While 'commercial' writers probably possess more luck, find a niche, or simply work harder than everyone else, and do enjoy quite a nice amount of success, often being a 'high fashion' writer is more desirable. I certainly wish I am one, though I am grateful to be where I am :)

It might take ages and lots of hard work to be that, but I also believe it is entirely possible.

It can also be that my musings are wholeheartedly wrong. After all, every writer is unique.

But deep down, I close my eyes and imagine the quirky girl on the Vogue cover, and smile.

Photo taken from ashleeholmes.buzznet.com

Menemukan surat pembaca dalam inbox email

foto diambil dari sharppendullsword.blogspot.com

Saya masih ingat, pertama kali karya saya diterbitkan, saya seringkali mengetikkan nama sendiri pada mesin pencari Google, dan membaca setiap resensi yang dituliskan di sana. Pernah sekali, menemukan juga resensi tentang Kenangan Abu-Abu dan perdebatan mengenai cerita dan kovernya. Setiap kali buku baru terbit, saya juga rajin mengecek Goodreads, hanya untuk membaca resensi pembaca-pembaca pertama, dan bertegur sapa seandainya bisa. Kalau diingat-ingat, waktu-waktu itu rasanya sudah lama sekali.

Ngomong-ngomong tentang surat pembaca, surat pembaca pertama saya tiba di inbox akun email pribadi tahun 2009, persisnya setelah Ai terbit. Sejak saat itu, saya senang sekali jika menerima surat-surat pembaca, juga posting di Facebook. Kira-kira tahun 2010, saya aktif dalam Twitter, dan sejak saat itu bertekad membalas setiap email maupun mention yang masuk. Tidak ada alasan khusus, hanya saja saya gembira jika bisa berkomunikasi dengan para pembaca, dan saya ingat kenangan-kenangan lama, di mana saya seringkali mengirimkan email kepada penulis-penulis favorit, namun tidak dibalas. Di luar itu, saya mengerti kok, bahwa mereka mungkin menerima ratusan email sehari, dan tidak bisa membalasnya satu-persatu.

Tentu saja, email yang masuk tidak seluruhnya bersahabat, sama halnya dengan kritik yang membaur dengan hal-hal positif dalam resensi di Goodreads atau blog, misalnya. Ada juga yang menyinggung hal sensitif. Namun, bagi saya, setiap detik yang dihabiskan seseorang untuk menyampaikan sesuatu, bahkan jika hanya satu kalimat, adalah sebuah apresiasi tersendiri. Untuk mencari alamat email saya dari balik kover buku, atau mengetik pesan virtual untuk dikirim, itu saja sudah merupakan sesuatu yang berharga.

Saya masih ingat, kala sedang down, saya sering membaca posting teman-teman semua di Facebook, dan hal itu membuat saya tersenyum kembali serta ingin buru-buru menulis. Ada teman-teman yang sharing tentang kisah persahabatan mereka, ada juga yang mengatakan bahwa buku-buku saya membuat mereka menangis. Ada yang mengirimkan kisah tentang kehidupan asmara yang mirip adegan buku-buku saya, bahkan bertukar dan meminta nasihat. Ada yang minta kisahnya dibukukan, ada juga yang mengajak saya bergabung dalam acara sekolah. Ada yang mengeluh kok ceritanya persahabatan jadi cinta melulu, ada juga yang mengirimkan foto mereka dengan kover buku favorit mereka. Kebanyakan, pembaca juga ingin menulis, dan meminta saran menulis.

Jadi, inilah surat balasan saya untuk kalian. Terima kasih untuk setiap kata, setiap dukungan. 

Mungkin, saya tidak terlalu baik dalam berkorespondensi. Mungkin, sepatah dua patah kata yang saya kirimkan sebagai balasan tidak cukup, atau mungkin saya belum bisa membalas semua email maupun ada beberapa yang tersangkut di spam folder saya. Namun begitu, terima kasih.

Let Her Go

This is Laura's new favorite song, and this time Max likes it too :-)

from vimeo.com

"Let Her Go" by Passengers

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

from vikyishere.tumblr.com

Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you'll make a dream last

But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'Cause you loved her too much

And you dived too deep

from firstcovers.com

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)

Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Crime TV series, a review

I'm a huge fan of crime TV drama series, so I practically watch almost every one that comes up on TV these days. So I'm going to make a review for most first impressions and what I think of them, just for fun and to look back on what I've watched the previous years.

I've watched and loved

taken from wallsave.com

Castle

Season 1-5 and loving it. I'm so addicted to the series I faithfully follow each and obsessively watch them. I think what makes Castle so great is the core relationships between the characters (Castle-Beckett, Castle-Alexis-Martha, Beckett-her father, the team with their leader, Esposito-Ryan, Esposito-Lanie, Lanie-Beckett), and the comedy. There is not a lot of twists in the mysteries, but there are enough dramatic tension and lots of chemistry in each that makes it so much fun to watch. I also appreciate the humor laced through their interactions, as it is not often that I come across a smart, thrilling and funny TV series all in one package.

from georgespigot.wordpress.com

Sherlock

Oh, Sherlock. This is the only UK show I stick with, and love wholeheartedly. Benedict Cumberbatch is a wonderful actor, and for me he's the best Sherlock ever. The mysteries are clever, which I appreciate, and there's subtle humor that makes you laugh out loud. Martin Freeman's expressions have a lot to do with that :) and I love their dynamic. Their chemistry, despite the lack of romance (except for Irene Adler's episode and a little hint of love here or there), is the main reason this is so worth watching. It feels like watching a 90 minutes movie per episode, and I just can't get enough. On to season 3!

from buddytv.com

Law and Order SVU

At first I thought of them as a little old fashioned. But then, they grow on me. The interactions between Stabler and Benson are subtle but beautiful to watch, the mystery cracking episodes simple, often predictable, but fun to watch with a bowl of popcorn. What this series lacks is that it focuses so much on the crime solving that it often neglects the main characters' personal lives, and when they pop out on screen, I feel like I couldn't care less because they're not as absorbing nor important.

I've watched and liked

from Italiansubs.net

NCIS

I like the main and side characters, but do not find them especially likable. Tony especially gets on my nerves, and his relationship with Ziva is never fully resolved, so it is a little disappointing. There are only hints of romance (McGee-Abby, Ziva-Tony), that it gets wan as it progresses throughout the series. I also do not find the mysteries thrilling, they tend to take their time and it lacks enough action. I occasionally watch it now and then, but am never fully invested for the above reasons.

from mysticmuse.net

Bones

Same as above. But the main reason is that I do not find myself liking the main characters. At least with NCIS I love the characters. In this one, I find Bones' quiet strength and inability to socialize annoying to the extent that I cannot relate or empathize with the character, much less with the story.

I've only watched once or twice

The Mentalist

First impressions: I like Simon Baker. The characters seem charming and quirky enough. The mystery and personal histories involved are engaging. I might watch more of it.

The Bridge

I love Diane Kruger so I checked this out just to see if it was good. I only watched one episode and not from the beginning so I couldn't decide or write a verdict, but my first impression is that I can't decide if I like the main characters' dynamic and the mystery sort of drags on instead of it being a procedural one mystery per episode kind of series, and I'm not ready to be invested in it.

Law and Order UK

I like it. However, it does not show very often so I don't get a chance to watch it.

Might want to watch in the future

- Motives: trailer looks good

- The following: Kevin Bacon!

- The killing: has many rave reviews

- Body of Proof: has one of Castle's guest characters, and it looks decent enough so I might check it out

Graphic Novels

When I was in high school, a friend of mine used to collect mangas. There were piles of Japanese manga volumes lining up the shelves in her room, and we would all go there and borrow some, or go wow at her vast collections. It was from her that I developed a fondness for some mangas, and gradually built my own collection and found the ones I treasured the most till now.

Now I'm 27 and still an avid reader of manga. I read most genres, from horror to young adult to romance to fun ones that tackle fantasy and cooking and modelling. But the ones I really care about are slice-of-life stories, be it a story about every day life (Mokke, Yotsubato), to heartwarming ones (Here We Are), historical/period manga (Emma, Gisele Alain) and sweet high school mangas. I do love a bit of drama, but there is something raw and beautiful in reading about everyday lives.

My love for graphic novels grow beyond Japanese mangas. It is through another friend that I learn about Marjane Satrapi's Persepolis series, and through Goodreads that I finally discover Smile. I also cherish my collection of Kim Dong Hwa's graphic novels - they are always so gentle, with beautiful illustrations and almost a poetic narrative as well as dialogue. Graphic novels are fascinating. They contain painstaking and wonderful artwork, but need a strong story to hold the whole piece together. Sadly, I haven't read that many, but I'd still recommend them anytime.

On my wishlist:

Solanin: about the life of a girl trying to fit in and find her place in the world

Oddballs living in an old house. Contemporary.

Silent short stories about human relationships? I'm in.

This one's part of a stand-alone series, depicting human lives.

Manga muse(s)

Sejak SMA, saya mulai suka baca manga, apalagi salah satu teman dekat saya waktu itu suka banget dan mengoleksi komik Jepang.

So, here's my thanks to my favorite mangakas.

Obaata Yuuki, untuk cerita-cerita sederhana yang menyentuh sampai ke hati.

Yuki Nakaji, untuk humor dalam setiap ilustrasi cantik.

Michiyo Akaishi, untuk drama juga misteri demi misteri yang luar biasa seru.

Watase Yuu, yang memperkenalkan saya pada dunia fantasi dan romance sehidup semati, juga karakter sekunder yang unik.

Yuu Ito, yang pertama kali menginspirasi saya untuk menulis, dan jatuh cinta pada ilustrasinya yang cantik.

Hiromi Mashiba, untuk semua kisah cinta dan persahabatan yang mengharukan.

Kim Dong Hwa, sejarah Korea dan cerita sehari-hari, pengetahuan tentang bunga, pikiran positif, kelembutan, puisi, dan kesederhanaan hidup.

Usami Maki, untuk kisah-kisah rendah hati tentang keseharian yang manis.

Chie Watari, untuk horor seru di malam hari.

Kaoru Mori, obsesi pada jaman Victorian, dan gambar juga cerita yang meneduhkan hati.

Thank you.

XOXO,

Winna

Mengapa menulis?

photo credit: mydharma.ca

Baru-baru ini, sebuah pesan masuk ke dalam inbox Goodreads saya. Seorang kenalan penulis bernama Aksara bertanya, mengapa menulis?

Pertanyaan itu terus-menerus muncul di benak, membuat saya tergugah untuk menulis ini di blog, yang terus terang mulai terabaikan karena kesibukan hehehe.

Mengapa menulis?

Saya bisa memberikan begitu banyak jawaban, tapi semuanya merupakan kamuflase bagi pertanyaan: mengapa menulis untuk diterbitkan? Yang pertama, karena idealisme pribadi yang awalnya bercita-cita untuk menerbitkan satu buku sebelum mati. Idealisme ini awalnya bermula dari mimpi, tapi dilandasi juga oleh keinginan kuat untuk membuktikan kalau saya bisa, kepada orang-orang yang pernah menentang keinginan ini. Bisa juga sebagai cara saya mengeksplorasi diri, karena saya ingin tahu apa saya benar-benar bisa menulis dan punya buku yang diterbitkan, atau memang hanya sekadar angan pungguk yang merindukan bulan. Idealisme yang ada semakin diperkuat saat saya bergabung dengan komunitas penulisan. Di sana, saya merasa 'terasah', berkomunikasi dengan sesama pencinta dunia penulisan, menerima berbagai kritik bertubi-tubi, juga pujian. Dari sana, begitu banyak yang saya pelajari dan rasakan, membuat saya semakin yakin bahwa ini dunia yang ingin saya geluti. Lalu, satu-persatu teman-teman komunitas mulai menerbitkan naskah mereka, kebanyakan lewat penerbit-penerbit terkenal. Jujur, walau saya merasa kagum, saya juga iri luar biasa. Akhirnya, rasa-rasa itu berkembang menjadi keinginan yang lebih lekat dan memacu saya untuk terus berusaha.

Idealisme kembali muncul saat beberapa naskah saya akhirnya berhasil diterima penerbit dan diterbitkan. Dari sana, terngiang ucapan beberapa orang, teruslah menulis! Ada deadline yang kasat mata, keharusan tak tertulis untuk terus berkarya karena saya tidak bisa membiarkan jeda yang terlalu lama dan karya selanjutnya perlu menyusul. Lalu, ada idealisme dalam diri yang mengeset target pribadi, padahal tidak ada yang menagih.Satu dua naskah setahun. Selama ini, saya berusaha menepati 'janji' itu kepada diri sendiri, meskipun sulit, terutama saat jadwal tidak memungkinkan, atau ide enggan menyangkut.

Akan bohong kalau saya tidak menyebutkan bahwa alasan materi pun berpengaruh sebagai jawaban: mengapa menulis untuk diterbitkan? Selama ini, saya menganggap royalti menulis adalah hasil jerih payah yang seluruhnya merupakan milik saya, hasil bergadang menulis, menyempatkan diri di setiap celah waktu, dan berbulan-bulan mengetik, menghapus dan mengedit. Alasan materi pun salah satu alasan signifikan yang melandasinya.

Tapi, kembali lagi ke pertanyaan: mengapa menulis? Mengapa menulis walau naskah hanya mengendap dan tidak diterbitkan, mengapa menulis walau tidak ada deadline atau proyek khusus, mengapa membuka laptop dan mengetik walau merasa lelah, mengapa menulis sungguh-sungguh walau ini kesannya 'hanya' pekerjaan?

Saya tercenung memikirkannya sejenak, dan hanya ada satu jawaban. Saya sungguh tidak tahu.

Yang saya tahu adalah, kata-kata ini mengendap di kepala, menunggu untuk dimuntahkan. Karakter-karakter hidup dalam diri saya, menunggu dengan sabar sampai kisah mereka diceritakan, walau kadang tak sabar juga sih karena saat waktu tak tepat pun mereka terus mendesak :) karena saat saya tidak menulis untuk beberapa waktu, saya merindukannya, tak sabar mencoret-coret buku catatan, atau sampai kata-kata muncul di layar laptop yang tadinya kosong. Karena saat menulis, saya memudar dari dunia saya dan muncul kembali dalam dunia yang saya kreasikan, seperti sebuah rahasia di mana hanya saya yang tahu.

Ah, saya suka menulis. Itu saja jawaban saya. Karena di suatu titik waktu, saya cukup beruntung untuk menemukan satu hal yang saya cintai, dan kebetulan saya diberkati dengan kemampuan untuk melatihnya dan menjadi lebih baik dalam bidang tersebut. Karena saya kemudian sangat beruntung sebab memiliki kesempatan untuk menerbitkan karya, agar dapat dibaca khalayak luas, dan mimpi saya menjadi nyata. Dari sekian banyak hal dalam hidup yang saya syukuri, ini adalah salah satu yang duduk dalam posisi teratas.

Jadi, saya bersyukur, dan tidak mau menyia-nyiakannya. Saya menyukai tulis-menulis, dan ingin melakukannya seumur hidup. Saya beruntung, memiliki pekerjaan yang merupakan passion saya, dan sebaliknya juga, bisa menjadikan hobi ini menjadi pekerjaan.

Mengapa menulis?

Karena saya ingin, dan saya suka. Sesederhana itu :) terima kasih Aksara karena membuat saya berkilas balik dan menyadari satu hal ini.

(book) On Love by Alain de Botton

Synopsis:

"The longing for a destiny is nowhere stronger than in our romantic life" we are told at the outset of Alain de Botton's On Love, a hip, charming, and devastatingly witty rumination on the thrills and pitfalls of romantic love. 

The narrator is smitten by Chloe on a Paris-London flight, and by the time they've reached the luggage carousel, he knows he is in love. He loves her chestnut hair and pale nape and watery green eyes, the way she drives a car and eats Chinese food, the gap that makes her teeth Kantian and not Platonic, her views on Heidegger's Being and Time - although he hates her taste in shoes. 

On Love plots the course of their affair from the initial delirium of infatuation to the depths of suicidal despair, through the (Groucho) "Marxist" stage of coming to terms with being loved by the unattainable beloved, through a fit of anhedonia, defined in medical texts as a disease resulting from the terror brought on by the threat of utter happiness, and finally through the nausea induced and terrorist tactics employed when the beloved begins, inexplicably, to drift away. 

Alain de Botton is simultaneously hilarious and intellectually astute, shifting with ease among such seminal romantic texts as The Divine Comedy, Madame Bovary, and The Bleeding Heart, a self-help book for those who love too much. He is schematically flawless, funny, funky, and totally engaging. 

Filled with profound observations and useful diagrams, On Love displays and examines for all of us the pain and exhilaration of love, asking, "Can we not be forgiven if we believe ourselves fated to stumble one day upon the man or woman of our dreams? Can we not be excused a certain superstitious faith in a creature who will prove the solution to our relentless yearnings?"

Review:

I read this during my flight from Jakarta to Surabaya and back again. It was poignant, sometimes funny, and often insightful. The book (therefore the writer) is intelligent, showing us philosophies on love that we could relate to, some we've passed in stages of our lives so that we can nod and say ah i've been there.. or ponder these thoughts for a while.

While the characters are sometimes annoying (I've never liked Chloe), I find them refreshingly real, and quirky. Each of them has flaws that make them seem like the people we might pass on the street, or someone we used to know, or even the person in each of us. It's amazing how one can make a character just pop to life like that, and I am in awe for that one trait.

However, I do find the pace to be a little slow. I would love to read more about the relationship instead of reading the author's insights about love and the analysis of every single thing. And just a little bit, I feel almost preached on instead of being engaged in a series of smart conversations.

Overall, a unique book with a refreshing concept.

(film) From Up on Poppy Hill and Whisper of the Heart by Studio Ghibli

 

I'm a fan of young adult films done right, and these two are the perfect examples of why I love both YA movies and animation. I've been a huge fan of anime for years, but have just recently discovered the magic that is Studio Ghibli.

Their first film that I watched was Ponyo, and loved it despite the fantastical bits. When I felt a bit mellow and would like something heartwarming, simple without the supernatural elements, I went for either these two gems or Makoto Shinkai's 5 CM per second. I wouldn't compare Hayao Miyazaki with Makoto Shinkai, because they are as different as night and day, but that does not mean I don't enjoy their films equally.

The plot (From Up on Poppy Hill): Umi is the caretaker of a boarding house overlooking the port, and she raises flags as messages to seamen to stay safe, as once taught by her sailor father who died at the sea. One day she meets Shun, a member of the school newspaper club, and together with their friends, they try to save their old clubhouse from being demolished by the school chairman.

The plot (Whisper of the Heart): Shizuku is a bookworm, and she's surprised to find that most of the books she checks out has already been read by another student named Seiji. Both of them meet and grow close, and she's left wondering about her dream when he has already gone to pursue his as a violin maker. She decides to test her talent in writing a story based on the Baron, a cat figurine she finds in Seiji's grandfather's antique shop.

From Up on Poppy Hill and Whisper of the Heart are so heartbreakingly honest and real they just tug at your heartstrings. Both have unusually unique family background and a little side story about family life, also a simple teen romance with signs of a budding first love. There are bits of Japanese traditions and lives everywhere, it's so wonderful to watch. The colors are bright and vivid, the artwork clean and lovely, the voices done right, with suitable accompanying music. Both are rather slow paced, but anime about everyday life usually does that - take things slowly, and you don't realize you've fallen in love with it until the credits roll.

Both also have strong, mature teen characters. Both Umi and Shizuku are your average teenager, but as Umi is reliable, sensible and responsible, and Shizuku are often sullen, sometimes lazy about homework and chores, they are at core the teenagers we all once were, or are. They have strong minds and express their opinions well, the communications with their peers, family members and loved ones are not one-sided that might express misunderstanding, but very much real and interactive. They say what they feel, and they fight for what they believe is important. I admire the relationships in both films, and am very pleasantly surprised when Shizuku's parents allow her to do what she thinks is right, even if that means temporarily abandoning her studies and possibly not continuing school.

I might have slightly a bit more fondness for From Up on Poppy Hill because of the school spirit and the strong characters I find in both Umi and Shun. Everything's just done in the right proportions, and I can't help but wish there are more films such as this one. The stories are meaningful, even though they were made decades earlier, they still carry relevance in today's era.

I'm currently marathoning my way through the rest of Studio Ghibli films, but these two are definitely top of my list.

(book) My Kind of Girl by Buddhadeva Bose

Synopsis

A modern-day Bengali Decameron, My Kind of Girl is a sensitive and vibrant novella containing four disarming accounts of unrequited love. In a railway station one bleak December night, four strangers from different walks of life - a contractor, a government bureaucrat, a writer, and a doctor - face an overnight delay. The sight of a young loving couple prompts them to reflect on and share with each other their own experiences of the vagaries of the human heart in a story cycle that is in turn melancholy, playful, wise and heart-wrenching. The tales reveal each traveler's inner landscape.

Review

I love this book. The premise is intriguing and after years of just putting it on my wishlist, I finally ordered and bought it.

With clean but sophisticated prose (I'm reading the translated version), the author manages to convey four people's love stories in such a simplistic way. I enjoy reading each story and the meaning in them, what love means to each person and how their love story begins, then ends. My favorite is the first and second stories, and my least favorite is the fourth but somehow the last one contains more sorrow and meaning than the rest.

There are tragic first loves, death, marriage, matchmaking, family, stolen glances, misunderstandings, and a happy love story as well. It gives insight into the lives of people in India in that era, as well as their customs, which is a pleasure to read about.

The ending is quiet, nothing dramatic but it gives us a long pause to think about the whole book. Somehow it is more perfect that way.

I'm not sure about the rest of the author's books, but I think I'll seek them out and give them a try.

(movie) Children Who Chase Lost Voices from Deep Below

I have always loved a good animation and I watched Makoto Shinkai's 5 CM per second a couple of years ago (loved it, by the way). So when this one got released, I immediately ordered the DVD.

image taken from fukachansmemoir.blogspot.com

The heroine of the film is Asuna, a lonely 14 year old girl whose father has died and left her a radio as a memento, and an overworked mother who comes home late every night. One day she hears strange music from the radio as she sits in her favorite spot in the mountain. Then she meets a strange bear-like creature and is saved by Shin, a boy claiming he comes from a place called Agartha. They form a friendship, and after giving her a blessing in the form of a kiss in the forehead, he disappears. Asuna sets out to discover more about Agartha, a place known to be down below the earth, with a portal to be opened with a crystal, and a place full of old wisdom and knowledge that people have been looking for it to ressurect the dead.

The artwork is wonderful and detailed, as always. Nature has always been part of Makoto Shinkai's films, and the beauty of this film is extraordinary. There are unimaginable creatures and a world so unique we just wish we could explore it further. Agartha is strange and amazing, with guardians that reside there once humans no longer need them. There is also his characteristic galaxy and sky filled with illuminated colors, which is a pleasure to the eyes.

Character wise, I feel that Shin and Asuna's friendship is a bit brief and has not been deep enough. His character is also not fleshed out and I do not understand his reasons for wanting to get out of Agartha, and why he disappears. I also wish we can be shown a family background to get a better glimpse of his motivations.

The pace is rather slow, but I've grown used to it after watching 5 CM per second. It feels less rushed that way, as if allowing the viewer to enjoy the lavish details and the luxurious colors.

Overall, I do enjoy this one although it's not my favorite. I love the soundtrack, the premise, the story, and the ending :) such a bittersweet, lovely movie.

image taken from fanart.tv

(movie) Liberal Arts

I don't really know what I expected when I grabbed the DVD except knowing that this is a possible love story between two characters with a large age gap, both fond of classical music and literature. What I get is a surprisingly pleasant and meaningful movie about love, friendship and youth (also coping with age and time).

I have never really seen Josh Radnor in anything, but I did watch Elizabeth Olsen in Love, Peace and Misunderstanding and loved her subtle but strong performance there. This movie centers around a 35 year old man living a mundane life and wishing he could come back to his college years, and when he goes back to Ohio to see his college professor, he meets Zibby, a 19 year old student with a love for classical music (after this class changes her life), and books. They are attracted to each other but he is hesitant because of their age gap, but slowly warms to the idea and starts exchanging handwritten letters.

The movie deals with age, and the anecdotes in the movies from different characters are accurately portraying each dilemma with grace and meaning. The old college professor retiring, Peter, makes an anecdote about thinking he never thinks he's not 19 ever since he passes that age, but everybody else stops seeing him as 19 as he grows up. Then there's Nat, a grungy character, making an observation about a caterpillar not wanting to grow up and fighting the cells trying to turn it into a butterfly, but in the end everything is going to be alright, and there is no fighting it. There's also suicidal Dean, not wanting to live, wanting to end things as soon as possible because he's unhappy. The exchange between the characters are so realistic and thought-provoking, but in the end it shows that not every two people who are right for each other can be together. Life goes on, some days suck, some days we feel lucky we're alive. It's nice to know what others feel that sentiment as well, that we're not alone.

What a powerful message in this movie. It falls in the same category of my favorite movies such as It's Kind of a Funny Story, the Art of Getting By, the Descendants, Like Crazy, and other indie movies I come across and love.

(movie) Cloud Atlas

I would say that I'm honored to be one of the audiences watching this wonderful, heartwarming, fast paced movie. I love the idea of it - something in common between all 6 stories, transcends through time, actors portraying different, distinct characters and being so in character for a moment I forget they are one but the same.

I'm not usually a fan of movies with strings of stories within one movie. Take What to Expect When You're Expecting, for instance, or Valentine's Day, which I'm not so keen of, although I do love Love Actually, New Year's Eve and New York, I Love You. This one's different, as it does not follow an event or a concept, but is adapted straight from the book I tend to categorize into general fiction with slashes of fantasy (and I haven't had the pleasure of reading it yet).

I'm happy to see Tom Hanks on the big screen again. Happier to see faces I haven't seen in a while - Jim Sturgess (who captivates in Upside Down), Ben Whishaw (ah, he looks familiar, turns out he's Skyfall's Q), Zhou Xun, and a string of other talented people. They even play different genders, with a multitude of faces (I applaud the make up effects team for this).

Supported with this strong cast ensemble, the movie itself does not disappoint. I feel strangely melancholy after the ending wraps, as if there's hope in the future despite a bleak past or present. The cinematography is lush, clear and beautiful, with an amazing soundtrack ranging from classical to piano instrumentals that I enjoy so much. The plot is strong and the directing spot on, without making the audience feel confused or wanting the movie to get to the point as quickly as possible. There are cute moments with comedy that make me laugh, and there are enough gory details as well as a bit of romance to keep fans of every genre happy. All in all, this is a movie about life, friendship, hope, and living, above all. One connection transcends through time. One thing leads to another - the power of consequence.

I love it. A well deserved 9 out of 10 stars.

Life is fleeting

Life is fleeting,
but love is everlasting.

Love transcends through generations,
lifetimes, built in the past, planted for the future.

Through one connection,
we collect moments.

Within those moments,
we create memories.

Memories shatter, memories break us, memories sustain us,
makes us who we are.

Therefore life is indeed short and fleeting,
but love is a different thing altogether.

*it's the first time in so many years that I've written a poem. It feels strangely good :)

2013 Book Wishlist

Now that it is the last day of 2012, I'm looking back at the books I've read and the ones I would like to read in the following year. There are so many new books to be published, and there are so many sequels I'm looking forward to, here's a few of them:

• Requiem, the sequel to Pandemonium, the third book in Delirium trilogy by Lauren Oliver

What will happen to Alex and Lena? Who will she choose, Julian or Alex? Nail biting, fast paced story with a romance to root for. I always pre order her books as soon as the news is out.

• The Retribution of Mara Dyer, third and final book in the Mara Dyer trilogy

Now this is another brilliant book with smooth pace, a lovable heroine, and a strong male character. Their romance is so thrilling but it still allows room for mysteries and 'the big picture'. Simply cannot wait. Plus, what gorgeous cover the designer will spring on us next?

• The Moon and More by Sarah Dessen

I've waited nearly two years for her next book. I never miss a book by Dessen, enough said.

• Amy and Roger's Epic Detour by Morgan Matson: have heard so many good reviews about this one!

• Five Flavors of Dumb by Antony John. OK, I'm not that interested in five different members of a band and one deaf manager, but the premise is intriguing and for some reasons I can't make myself remove this book from my wishlist.

• Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend by Matthew Green: the premise reminds me of Enzo in Art of Racing in the Rain, and I have a feeling I'm going to love it as much as I loved Enzo.

• The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight by Jennifer E Smith: what a cute story it must be! I love the movie Serendipity, so I'm guessing this one is a lot like that one, at least the fate thing.
• The Edge of Never by JA Redmerski: I read a few pages from Amazon, and my hunch says it's going to be a wonderful, surprising read. I wasn't interested when I read the synopsis, but almost every review mentions how lovely it is.
• The Tragedy Paper by Elizabeth Laban: this one's on BookDepository's 2012 list, and I'm hooked as soon as I saw the cover plus synopsis.

(book) Lovely, Dark and Deep by Amy McNamara

Synopsis:

A resonant debut novel about retreating from the world after losing everything—and the connections that force you to rejoin it.

Since the night of the crash, Wren Wells has been running away. Though she lived through the accident that killed her boyfriend Patrick, the girl she used to be didn’t survive. Instead of heading off to college as planned, Wren retreats to her father’s studio in the far-north woods of Maine. Somehwere she can be alone.

Then she meets Cal Owen. Dealing with his own troubles, Cal’s hiding out too. When the chemistry between them threatens to pull Wren from her hard-won isolation, Wren has to choose: risk opening her broken heart to the world again, or join the ghosts who haunt her.

Review:

Oh, what a precious book.

With a beautiful cover and a lovely title like that, I definitely couldn't resist bringing it to the cashier right away. Lovely, Dark and Deep does not have any synopsis on the back cover except for some blurbs, but from reviews, this book seems to be about lost and grief, right up my alley. The writer also has a degree in poetry, and I expect beautiful prose and a lot of heartaches in this book.

I'm right :) the book focuses on Wren, a girl who lost her ex-boyfriend in an accident, and she was there in the car with him, but only she survived. She left town and went to live with her estranged artist father, tried to pick up the broken pieces of who she was and discover who she is now. She also meets Cal, a boy with MS, someone who understands how she feels because possibly he's been through a lot of grief too.

What a beautiful book! I'm sucked in immediately and can feel every heartbreak in every page. Wren is a lot like me in some ways - we both wish the world can turn mute sometimes, and when it doesn't, we do. Wren is a misantrophe and socially challenged, she says all the wrong things and doesn't know how to talk to people. I understand why she needs time to figure out some things for herself, and feels hurt when the people around her are trying to get her to change, see a shrink, get a job, not mope around, and just DO something.

After reading more than half of the book, I also get to see why people need her to change. She's too absorbed in her own guilt and anger and sadness that she does not move on with her life. She's often self destructing and lets things be the way they are for too long.

I love all the characters - they are wonderfully built, with the perfect balance to fill the gaps, to both support and push Wren. I love Cal the most, his easy calm, the way he understands her. Everyone has an arc to carry the story forward, and I love that.

Suffice to say, will look out for the next McNamara book! This is a superb debut. 4 out of 5 stars.